Stephanie Andersson

I can't understand that there's still people who check in daily to see if I updated. I have read all of your comments and your mails and I have missed you like crazy. However, my life has been seriously crazy the last couple of months. Crazy to the point where there has not been any energy to update and put on a smiley face.
I actually miss writing here everyday, read your comments and just have that special connection some of us developed together.

Anyway... Let me tell you what I've been up to...

I've been traveling like crazy for about 3 months. Went everywhere! You name it and I was there!
Then... Something really weird happened. I guess that my brain was left in some other part in the world. I moved in with my ex!!!! Who's only interest was to drink beer in the morning and let me clean up after him. The he put all the blame on me when I decided to move out.
With me I took one dog which we got together... So I'm now a dog owner... Don't get me wrong, I love her and all, but this was not supposed to happen! I did not want a dog!

I moved out while having several panic attacks and the asshole left the apartment with a beer in his hand. No help what-so-ever! I never regret anything in life. But I really do regret him. I really do! The only thing I miss is the other dog, his sister and brother.

So now I'm back in my old apartment, cleaning up the mess he left in me. Tho life goes on and I'm going to go back to being who I once were. I'll erase every memory and move on.

On top of this, I gained 5 kg while living with him. I lost an uncle (may your soul rest in peace, I love you). I lost my best friend to insanity (which she believes is love). Tho I will never lose myself like this again!

The 5 kg's are gone. My uncle is in heaven. My ex-best-friend is probably having a fight with insanity (in her words - love).

This made me start hating. I who have always loved.

Left is me and my dog, Bella.

I didn't die. However, God put me through the biggest test ever.

If I'd tell you where I've been, you'd never believe me.

Seriously weird stuff are going on. It's like my history is repeating itself.

I am, because of this, a totally different person.

If I'd tell you more, you'd probably think I've lost my mind.

God bless your pretty souls and may you never experience what I have.

♥

I'm looking through some pictures from when I went to the US.
If you care to read it all, you'll find that this is a little more... me. (Which I normally don't want to bring up)


Right after my flight. You know when you enter the US, the boarder security always had a bunch of questions about what you'll be doing there. Since I've been to the US several times before, without a more permanent visa, they were very curious so I had a plan. Didn't put any makeup on at all, braided my hair in one piece, pulled over a big woolen cap and had ballerinas on my feet. Because when you enter looking a lot better than you usually do, you know like done from head to toe, that's when you'll have problems! (Did that on my first trip to NYC)... left the airport several hours later. Though they were still very curious and you can not lie to them... And what I had to say was kinda funny which made them even more curious. That's something I can't write about here. Anyway, so I went into the restroom right after I picked up my bag. Put on my heels, let my hair down and put on make up. As you can see... putting on make up in a restroom with dimmed light is not something you should do. The driver had to wait for me (sorry) then he took me to a castle where a charming prince opened my door, held out his hand with a big smile and gave me a warm hug. Ah, lovely :)

The next day I went to my first basketball game ever! It wasn't really any basketball game. I obviously had to attend an NBA game as my first one. Why settle for less? Just kidding guys! :)



The "prince" friend warned me about two big bangs at the beginning of the game (check out the fire). I freaked out and laughed and forgot to get it on camera, which is not really important anyway. Then I sat with a huge smile the entire game, loving every second of it, it was so freaking awesome! ;D Although, the team was without the hottest and best player... Sad of course, though I was a happy girl after the game, and during the night, and during the next 6(?) days. Hehe... That might have been too much info... I will probably delete some of this when I sober up from my insomniac state.



So... The other days was a lot of fun. Great to see another part of America and spend time with great new friends. Got to see another game which was even more awesome because they won.
Then it was time to go back home again... I took a final look around, sighed a little. A sigh of thankfulness. A sigh full of humble. A sigh with happiness. A sigh with a small feeling of sadness. Then the "prince" opened the door of the castle, gave me a true "Hollywood" moment in the elevator (go figure what I mean). Opened the car door, held my hand once again, smiled, gave me something beautiful to remember, then I went back home...

Haha uh come on... It's always prettier to read something like this than "Whatever, I packed my bags and left", right?
Now don't get it twisted, I have a lot of friends, I treat them all with the same respect as I receive. You're first strangers, become friends, stay there - maybe become best friends, stay there or go somewhere else. I am a very careful person when someone else is involved. I don't want promises, neither do I want to give them until I'm sure of something. Because of this, I have been single since I was 15 when I ended my first relationship after 2,5 years. Whoever I have met after has not been relationships, only dates and some serious dating. Though it sure would be fun to fall in love some day! We should all be happy with the ones we're with :) That's what counts!

A Swedish move in bed, then I hope to fall asleep.

Good night ♥

I'm in a "Oh my God" moment right now...

Huh, did I change both inside and out during the years? Yikes!

Getting older is awesome!

New years eve, what do you think I did? Did I go to a fabulous party somewhere? Did I drink champagne?

Hm... not really.

During the day on December 31st, I felt all of the feelings I had during 2010, not good ones. It's been the worst year so far so I basically decided to stay at home, all alone, at new years eve. I wanted to have a fresh start to an amazing new year. And guess what... I feel so great and the beginning of 2011 couldn't be better! It's awesome already! Better than I could ever imagine...

Well anyway. My new years resolution is to go all in with everything and never regret or look back. Every great opportunity that comes along will be taken. I can not wait to see what's in store for me this year!

And oh, listen to this song... It's great! Kinda different from what I've written but I love it and just had to share!

Posted by: elise
hur mycket vägde du som mest innan du gick ner i vikt ? (blir väldigt inspirerad av dig och din motivation)!
(What has been your highest weight before the weight loss? (I'm very inspired by you and your motivation))

Hi Elise!
The scale has showed me 72 kg! This is the first time I reveal that (it's not easy). It was back in February last year (2009), if I'm not wrong. I remember that I said out loud "What the f*ck" but kinda ignored it... Until March 2009, when some things made me wake up and realize that I was not happy looking like that. I got insanely motivated to change my lifestyle and become healthier, happier and slimmer. I have never been more thankful for anything in my life. Might sound egoistic (especially in Sweden, we are not aloud to love ourselves the way I do here). Though the only person we'll ever be with for the rest of our life is with ourself. There is no one you need to take better care of!



First pic is from 2007. Second one in late 2009. Difference? ;)

I think I hit rock bottom of 2010 today. I've been weeping and blowing my nose all day because of some serious shit. In a try to make my tears stop, I headed to my dad, while it was raining like crazy outside, it was raining just as much from my eyes. After 20 minutes, I stood outside my dads door but he wasn't home... Like an hormonal bitch, the tears got heavier and I went back home. Right when I closed the door I took a big roll of toilet paper and laid down in my bed. Restless as always, I stayed there for 5 minutes and decided that this was not a good idea. I took my bike(!) and went out just to clear my head. With sunglasses on (in the rain) I kept on weeping like a kid, though no one could see it due to the rain. The I decided that it was a great idea to get a big bucket of my favorite ice cream and comfort eat! I knew right then that it would feel good for the moment, but that it would feel like shit right after, I totally ignored this. I went to the first store... They didn't have my ice cream... I went to the second one, they didn't have it either. I was running out of options of stores to go to in the area that I live in. But if I wanted ice cream, it shouldn't be just any kind of ice cream. I went down to the city, visited FIVE STORES, in which every single one of them was out of MY ICE CREAM! I didn't give up. I went far north (I live south) and FOUND MY ICE CREAM! I turned around on my bike, now it was only the sky that was weeping... I was kinda weeping inside because I had to get ice cream to be happy. Anyway, sweaty as hell, I was back home in my bed... Opened the ice cream bucket and FINISHED IT! Yikes that is like 2000 calories... I ate it in like 20 minutes. So how do I feel now? My eyes are red like Rudolphs nose, they burn like someone was trying to boil them. My stomach is huge, enormous, gigantic, you get it... and I do not feel better, I do not feel anything. All I can say is that I'm completely numb! Oh my, I so hope this wont become an vicious circle. Oh, another thing... I lost my phone somewhere, this day is AWESOME!

Hi guys! I'm trying to study as hard as I can but sometimes you just got to let go and have fun... and kinda party like a rockstar. So yesterday I went to Gothenburg to meet up with Good Charlotte. They were the starting act amongst some other performers. They were awesome as always but we didn't really see the show because we were backstage. Anyway, after they performed, we went back to the room, chilled a little and went to a restaurant. I HAD FOIE GRAS! YUUUUM! With champagne obviously. We stayed until quite late and then went to the club where Benji was DJ. The most embarrassing thing was when I was supposed to step out of the limousine... They told me to keep my legs together and be careful so no one would take pictures you know where. Well, I kept my legs together but bumped in to the door really, really hard and now I'm totally bruised, yikes! So we went in to the club, Benji played and I was dancing like crazy on stage whilst people were taking pictures of me, like I was the celeb? Haha anyway, can't spill out too much info but it was an awesome night!




Right next to the stage, as you can tell, we didn't see much then... Though people we're quite envious... I would be too if I were on the other side of the bars.



In the tourbus. It was huge! The beds we're cute but like they said, it's not fun to sleep in them for weeks.




My sexy cuties. Benji Madden and Olivia at the restaurant.


We wanted to get a cab, but they sent us a limo haha. Both Benji and his brother Joel are such great gentlemen. Joel and I talked politics, racism, Medicare... There you go, hot and smart! (Both of us obviously) He has the most beautiful girlfriend (Nicole Richie) and the cutest daughter, so we put the singles in the picture and made dad the photographer in the limo. haha. He even told Nicole that they were having dinner with two hot girls, and Benji said "You know that's you, right?" Here with OJ, BM, Olivia and myself.


Here at the club Nivå, after the bumpin'-in-the-limo-door-accident and embarrassing the shit out of me in front of many cameras. I look very clean and calm, but I was quite "gone" here!


As you can see... What's funny is that we got our own part of the club to be in. We had security guards following us!

Here with the tour manager, such a great guy! And he loves blonds ;)

The afterparty went on until like 7 am and they left for Stockholm shortly after. Olivia and myself went back home and back to reality.

If I didn't have some craziness in my life, I would kill myself, seriously! The air I breath has to come from something exciting, otherwise I would be a dead vegetable.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE being me! Thank you mom and dad for giving birth to perfection! Haha just kidding guys, but I would never be able to live like this is I were ugly, you know that.

I have so much energy now to go on and make my life even better. Oh if only you could feel how my heart is beating, I can actually hear the beats! Ah, a smoke outside and then it's time for bed... Wish it could be as fun in bed tonight like last night!

I don't know why but the picture never want to stand up. Anyway... I'm back on track... Instead of fasting, there was a musicvideo shooting, visit to the spa at D'Anglettere hotel in Copenhagen, foie gras, champagne, champagne, champagne and some more champagne. Last night I fell in love with a wine, seriously in love! I asked to get a bottle back home because it's impossible to find yourself... When I found out about the price of a small bottle, I was about to faint. I don't mind spending money on shoes, bags and stuff, but I don't like the idea of drinking a huge amount of money, so I passed. It has been a crazy weekend, my god... If you only knew. I wish I could tell you more about my life but in a way I want to be private. Due to some things I do, I get a lot of jealousy thrown at me which I hate more than anything. I am just a human being made out of flesh and bones, nothing special about that, but I'm just a little more fortunate than others.

Now I'm back from my dream world, back in reality for a week... then I'm gone again...

And because I'm half polish, this is something I watched with my grandmother (may her angelic soul be safe with God).



Sooooooooooo funny :D Miss my grandmother though :(

Nostalgia is present with me at this moment, my childhood was awesome and this is something that reminds me of how great everything was (and still is). Before I sat down on the floor (always on the floor) I had a bath, a cup of tea and then danced to the first video, as soon as the music stopped, I sat down to watch "Björnes Magasin".


I did my crazy dance and sat down as soon as the music ended.



This is a show I watched every night as a little girl. It started in 1988 (when I was born) and I loved it for years... haha I'm so ridiculous but it brings tears to my eyes.... aaaah I want to be a kid again!




And after this, it was time for bed :)

♥

Godmorgon! (det ar morgon i NYC)

Jag har det sjukt bra har i New York City! Vill inte aka hem :( Jag vill stanna kvar har, men jag kommer tillbaka!
Nu har jag bestamt mig for att forandra mitt liv radikalt, det ar detta jag skrev om i ett tidigare inlagg, att jag saknade nagot och visste att nasta stora genombrott snart skulle komma, men jag visste inte vad det var. Nu vet jag! Vad det ar kommer jag att beratta for er :)
Min vistelse i denna staden har forandrat mig enormt mycket, jag VET vad jag vill med mitt liv, antligen! Nu ar det inte langre ett mysterium, herregud sa underbar kansla... ah!

Jag ska ta en dusch, kla pa mig och ge mig ut pa Manhattan och bara vara i denna euforiska drom :)

Jag drömde om mitt förflutna inatt. Inte så långt tillbaka, bara några år, och jag drömde om att jag var där för att göra något, besöka någon, göra något viktigt. När jag vaknade så tänkte jag inte på det, men sen slog det mig att denna drömmen hade något viktigt att säga. Kanske är det så att jag håller på att lämna de händelserna bakom mig, och att jag ska släppa personerna som var med i drömmen. Jag känner mig filosofisk och djup och troligtvis kommer jag att vara det hela dagen, tänka på detta och lyssna, leta efter tecken som förtydligar min dröm, jag vill veta vad den betyder.

"Vad som än händer så lovar jag att vara mänsklig"

Jag säger att jag kämpar med allt, fixar skolan och allt som har med det att göra och tiden räcker inte till. Men när jag sen ser min egna mentor* som gör så sjukt mycket och lyckas med allt så börjar jag undra om jag lurar mig själv och tar en lång väg som kanske inte kommer ta mig dit jag vill. Visst, utbildning är jävligt viktigt men det är också jävligt tråkigt. Kan man uppleva sina drömmar bara för att man har MVG i alla ämnen? Eller åtminstone höga betyg? Jag tror inte att jag kommer att bli lycklig och nöjd även om jag har klarat av skolan utmärkt, det finns så mycket mer i världen. Mina upplevelser tillhör inte det normala, det jag har gjort under några få år har en väldigt liten del av tjejerna i min ålder gjort. Vissa saker vet ni om, annat vet jag och världen. Det har format mig till den personen jag är och hjälpt mig att kunna andas, utan att jag får göra det jag drömmer om så fungerar inte syret i mina lungor, jag kan inte andas och min mentala styrka blir förlamad. Men då undrar jag vad det var som fick mig till att bli "duktig" och gå tillbaka till skolan, hade jag kanske lekt klart? Gjort vad jag skulle och nu börja tänka på framtiden. Men innerst inne så vill jag inte ha en trygg framtid, jag vill inte bara plugga och sen jobba på något ställe och få en guldklocka eller whatever när jag jobbat där i 20 år, det vill jag inte. Min framtid ska vara omtumlande, inte lugn och vanlig, jag vill kunna göra vad jag vill, flippa ur och vara galen. Men sen vill jag kunna luta mig tillbaka, lägga mig ner och ta det lugnt men veta att jag snart kan resa mig upp igen och flyga iväg. 

Ibland undrar jag va fan jag håller på med. Försöker hitta en person som jag inte träffat på 8 år, trodde jag hade hittat personen men det var fel. Utseendet från då man var 15-7 och 8 år framåt förändras säkert en hel del, kolla bara på mig. För 8 år sen bodde jag sista tiden i Sundsvall och flyttade ner efter halva 7:an. Och mina gamla vänner i Sundsvall kanske minns hur jag såg ut då, vet inte hur många av er som läser min blogg men ska jag säga det själv så såg jag förjävlig ut. Det var en period då jag inte visste vem jag var alls, men vem vet det som 13-åring? Och strax efter Sundsvall så träffade jag den här personen som jag kommer att minnas för resten av mitt liv, synd att personen inte går att hitta, verkligen synd. En av dem som lämnat störst spår hos mig, och är nu försvunnen. Kanske borde ge upp med letandet, började leta för 2-3 år sen, utan framgång.